The Homoerotic Adventures of Camp Neville
by MuscleMan86
Summary: Neville Longbottom has a beach party.
1. prologue

_Author's Note: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. Also if you see writing errors please let me know._

" _Dear Everyone, please come to my party,"_ Harry read. He was confused, over the past year Neville had become incredibly popular, girls were lining at his door each night. Harry always wondered how he kept track of them all. Whatever it may be Harry was looking forward to it.

-( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)-

" _It will be fun and games, we will have drinks and dancing,"_ Draco read. He usually did not like Neville but if it would get him out of the house and away from his father's machinations to get him to join the death eaters he would take it.

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" _It will be on the lake, at 12:00 on Friday the 25th,"_ Ginny read. It had been a while since she had attended a party and hopefully she would have some better luck this time. It had not been since May since she had it.

After finishing the letter, Ginny got up and left her room. In the stairway she ran into the twins.

"Got some mail today," said the one without the ear.

"I would be carefully who see this," said the one with two.

"Mother would be very upset if she learned about what you have been up to," said the Fred and George in unison.

"It's an invitation to a party," Ginny said flustered.

"Before you started using silence spells we used to hear all the howler's you would get," said the one on the left.

"Quite the howler's they were. It was almost as if you had written a few with them."

"Shut up," said Ginny.

"Oh Finnegan!" Moaned the tall one.

"Yes! More!" Moaned the other.

"I wasn't dating Finnegan at that time!" Cried Ginny.

"I wouldn't call that 'dating'," said one of the two.

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Draco sat at the table in his silver and green house. The servants were in the kitchen preparing green eggs and ham. He always hated his parents obsession with silver and green. His mother then walked downstairs.

"Hey Draco," his mother said as she dried her hair, "got any plans today?"

"I think I'll just go out to town," said Draco.

""What about Crabbe and Goyle? You haven't hung out with them in a while."

Draco said nothing. In the last couple months he had been a bit of a third wheel with them. It was at this moment that the servants set the food on the table.

There was green eggs, fried green tomatoes, and slabs of green ham. Draco rolled his eyes.

His father then came downstairs with Lord Voldemort.

"What's for breakfast?" Asked the dark lord.

"Green food," said Draco.

"You guys are weird." Voldemort said as he grabbed the coffee pot.

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Harry grabbed his wand and put in his back pocket.

"I wouldn't do that," said Hedwig, "the last wizard I saw who did that lost his left buttocks."

Ever since hedwig ate Mad Eye Moody she had been behaving oddly.

"Shut the fuck up," Harry shouted at the bird.

He then walked out of his bedroom. He ran into dudley in the stairwell. The look of fear in his eyes was almost palatable.

"Oh! Heh, heh. Hi, Harry. What's up?" Muttered Dudley nervously.

"I'm going to go to Neville's beach party," said Harry.

"Fun…"

"Alright, bye!" Harry said as resumed walking down the stairwell.

Harry reached the landing downstairs Vernon was eating breakfast. His eggs were steaming as they hovered near his mouth. He was frozen with fear as he observed Harry walk down the stairs.

"Good morning, Harry. I see you're up early," said Vernon, resuming the eggs pilgrimage to his mouth.

"Yes," said harry, "I'm going to be heading out today, a friend of mine is going to be having a party."

Then aunt petunia came in.

"You're still here Harry," growled the fleshy imprint of Marge.

"Now, now Marge," said Vernon nervously, "don't go teasing the boy."

"Shut up!" Shouted Harry as Petunia's coffee pot exploded in her hands.

"AAAH!" Screamed Aunt Petunia as boiling coffee scalds her arm.

"Now, now Harry, calm down," said Vernon as he once again stopped eating.

"Alright, I'm heading out," calls Harry as he grabs some toast. The look of confusion on Vernon's face would last for the next few hours.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 _Author's Note: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling._

 _Author's Note: An edit to this chapter has happened post release, due to spelling errors._

Harry gazed across the platform. He thought about taking the bus to Neville's house. But he did not know where he lived. Coming to a decision he stuck out his wand.

Immediately a large three story bus warped into existence.

"Welcome to the knight bus. Transport for the stranded witch or wizard," said the conductor as he chewed his gum.

Harry got on the bus. Inside there were several chairs and the bus had a general odor of sweat and tobacco.

"Alright, where ya going?" Asked the conductor.

"The leaky Cauldron," said harry.

"That's in London," echoed the conductor.

The knight bus began with a lurch, Harry being thrown into a seat. "So why is this called the knight bus?" Asked Harry.

"It was founded in 1957 by a Joseph Knight," spoke the Jamaican head, "he was upset with the lack of wizard cross country transportation!"

"Did he retire?"

"He's still here," said the conductor, gesturing to the head.

"Interesting," said Harry.

They drove in silence for another couple minutes. The bus then pulled to a stop violently. A few passengers got on, among them Hermione Granger.

"Hey, Hermione," Harry called pointing to the seat next to him. Hermione came over and sat down.

"How have things been Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh, things have been fine," said Hermione. Harry knew she was lying. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had been odd since Ron had started dating Lavender again.

"You're going to Neville's party as well," continued Hermione.

"Yes…" Harry began as he was interrupted by the conductor.

"I heard of that party," spoke the conductor, "everyone is going to it. And I'm just sitting here conducting this bus."

"You were invited to it," said the the head.

"I know, I plan on going to it when I get off."

"Why are you going to that party," asked Hermione.

"I honestly don't know," he said, "here I am, the twenty-five year old conductor invited to the hottest party in Britain."

Harry stared at the conductor. He thought back to when Dudley had his older friend over. He remembered the blackness of his soul, his diabolical laugh as he ripped out petunias hea-

Flash!

"Hiya Harry!" Spoke the mysterious flasher.

Harry blinked trying to get a read on him.

"Hey, do you remember who I am," asked the stranger.

Harry looked at the stranger. He had grown since he last saw him, he was taller, and since they had last met he had filled out. In addition his camera had been brought to the modern age. Harry knew who he was.

"Colin!", Harry exclaimed.

"You have grown a lot since you disappeared at the end of our second year," said Hermione.

"What are you doing now," asked Harry.

"I'm part of the school newspaper. They want some photos of the party," said Colin Creevey.

"The school newspaper wants photos of a party?", asked Hermione.

"Yeah, it really isn't that good of a paper," said Creevey.

"Why do take photos for them?", asked Hermione.

"I just like taking photos," Creevey said.

Creevey then spent the rest of the trip staring at them in silence.

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"Diagonal ley," coughed Draco as he stepped into the green fire.

Draco saw what appeared to be several fireplaces as he spun at high speed. He ended up vomiting into most of them. _Sorry,_ Draco thought as he was spinning. Draco landed in a damp, stoney room. Standing across from him was a strange man in a balaclava, a speedo, and with tape on his nipples.

"WELCOME!", the strange man yelled hammily, "I AM MASTER FOOT-SEX!"

"Could you keep it down," Draco asked, covering his ears.

"Okay," said Foot-Sex.

"Where am I?", asked Draco.

"WELCOME TO DIAGONAL LEY!", shouted Foot-Sex, "MASTER FOOT-SEX'S DUNGEON OF BONDAGE AND KIDNAPPING!"

"Do you have to always yell it?", asked Draco.

"Yes, you can't just _say_ a full title," Foot-Sex spoke as the tape fluttered in the nonexistent breeze.

"If that's a full title, then what is the real title?"

"Diagonal Ley," spoke the strange man.

"Diagonal Ley," Draco repeated with an exasperated sigh.

"Yes."

"What am I doing here?", asked Draco.

"You are kidnapped!", yelled Foot-Sex, "now tell me your family name so I know who to write the ransom note too."

Draco though for a moment and then said, "Thickness, my name's Richard Thickness."

"I see!", yelled the semi-nude man, "I'll begin writing the note. You just stay there and then we will take the photo."

"First can I go out and have a cigarette?", asked Draco. He didn't smoke but Foot-Sex didn't seem all that bright.

"Sure, the exit's next to the rack."

Draco walked past the rack out into the foyer. He stepped outside into knockturn alley. _Idiot_ , Draco thought to himself as he sprinted off.

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Harry bounded off the bus, he looked back at Hermione and smiled. "Thanks 'mione," Harry said.

"No problem," Hermione said blushing.

The two then entered the Leaky Cauldron. The Cauldron was silent. In the center was a fat stained patron holding a small box. The patron was on one knee, the sweating dripping down his neck. A smile forms on his face. He begins to giggle, saying, "Marv, will you marry me?"

A smile is forming on Marv's face, he begins to beam. A laugh gets trapped in his throat. "Yes," he whispers, "yes I'll marry you." The entire bar breaks into applause as the two pull in for a kiss. Since the invention of the kiss there have only been four kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This left them all behind.

Hermione grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him out of the cauldron before they got sucked in any farther. The two of them ran through diagon alley.

 _AN: I spent four months writing that cauldron scene, what is wrong with me._

"Ice cream!", yelled Florean Fortescue the plaid clad owner of the Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream parlor, "get yer ice cold ice cream here!"

Harry and Hermione approached the man with great enthusiasm. As he approached, Harry threw a bag of galleons at the man's head. The coins met with Florean Fortescue's head with a hearty chink. As he fell to the ground, Harry and Hermione grabbed his ice cream, laughing as they ran away, leaving the bag as payment, while Florean Fortescue blacked out.

"Well that was fun," said Harry.

"He went down cold!", said Hermione laughing.

Harry and Hermione made their way to the park. They quickly found a park bench and sat down.

"So how have things been with you in the past few months," Harry asked, "you still dating that centaur?"

"That ass was cheating on me," Hermione replied, "turns out his mistress can pack quite the kick."

"What happened," asked Harry.

"Centaur society is normally polygamous but that doesn't give him the excuse to sneak behind my back. Either way, I got back at them."

"How?"

"Well, I enchanted his family well so that whenever he or his mistress attempts to drink its water it turns into toads in their throat!

Harry made a note to never anger Hermione.

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Felipe crawled out of his tube and onto the small bed set a 65° to the floor. Crawling into the occupant's ear it began it began to wrap itself around the rest of the ear and proceeded to tickle the nose.

Ginny Weasley pulled up with a start. Pulling her pet centipede out of her ear she looked at her clock.

"The time is 10:30," spoke the clock.

"Fuck," Ginny swore under her breath.

"I should have gotten up an hour ago," she began to yell as she flew down the narrow staircase of the burrow. Knocking into the twins on the way downs she began to hear several explosions and the strong smell of pickled brains.

Ginny flew into the living room as the noxious gases from the Fred and George inventions began to pour out of the stairwell. In the living room sat Ron, Lavender, and Ginny's mother, Molly.

"Ginny Weasley," screamed Molly, "put some damn clothes on!"

Lavender proceeded to cover Ron's eyes as Ginny dug through the laundry.

"At least she's wearing panties this time," shouted lavender over the sounds of the explosions and swears of the ginger duo as hordes of mechanical locusts streamed down the stairs.

"I am?", Ginny asked in confusion looking down, "when did that happen?"

"Courtesy of our new invention," yelled the eared one, covered in fudge, panties, and angry mechanical locusts.

"Pill panties, for the weeaboos, neets, and perverts in your family," said the one without the ear, looking at Ron.

"Made with genuine Hogwarts female student panties," spoke the other.

"Holy shit," yelled Ginny.

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Several minutes later after the confusion died down, Ginny was sitting across the room from Molly. Having been forcibly put into a robe via a straight jacket spell, Ginny was now being lectured by her mother.

"How many times do I have to tell you Ginny," spoke Molly, "put something over your oats when you leave your room."

Ginny was not paying much attention to her mother, being much more interested in Molly large breasts, bouncing up and down each time she spoke.

Bound, bound, bound, bound. Molly was starting to speak louder, with her anger the breasts were starting to bounce faster and faster. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Ginny was starting to drool, she would fight for those breasts, she would die for those breasts.

"Are you even listening to me," Molly screamed in anger.

"She's staring at your breasts again," called Ron from the other room.

"For the love of god, Ginny," Molly cried, "this has to stop."

Molly had drawn Ginny's attention at this point.

"Can you imagine how I feel, my daughter has grown up to be a nymphomaniac!"

"They're just so big," muttered Ginny.

"Well yes, Arthur is quite fond of them- Hey, don't change the subject!"

Molly was starting to get really angry now.

"One of these days you're going to wake up with an STD, or worse. And then neither magic or muggle science can help you. I just wonder where did I go wrong? I thought I raised you better than this and for fucks sake stop staring at my breasts!"

"Wha," Ginny slurred in confusion.

"That's it young lady, while you live in my house you follow my rules. You are not going to that party tonight."

"Wait," screamed Ginny, "I have to go to that party."

"No, you will be staying home and tomorrow we will be taking you to rehab."

Molly escorted Ginny up to her room by wand point. Walking past the groaning mass of ginger gemini, they pushed up the stairs till they reached Ginny's door. Throwing Ginny inside, Molly then began to cast several spells to trap Ginny in the room. Ginny began to smile as she started getting dressed.

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Pushing past the crowds Draco made his way through diagon alley. There was a large collection of people milling around Florean Fortescuen.

"What's going on," asked Draco.

"Apparently someone had beaten him up and stole his ice cream," spoke someone. Draco laughed at the absurdity of that statement, as he beelined to the bathilda bagshot memorial garden, passing by street venders.

"Toenails," croned an old crone, "get some tonsils 'ere."

"This is diagon alley," said a constable, "not knockturn alley. It's against the rules to sell human body parts here."

"Well maybe if y'all, cleaned up knockturn, I'd sell there," the crone crowed again, "anyways what you should be looking for a a blonde male teenager in leather pants. Ol' Foot-Sex been missing a customer."

Draco was glad he had cast a clown paint spell after leaving Foot-Sex's dungeon.

Draco made his way to the entrance of the park. As he was walking through the park he spotted a familiar duo.

"Malfoy," spoke Harry.

"Potter," spoke Draco.

"Heeermione," chimed in the lady herself.

"What brings you here," asked Harry.

"I was hoping I could have some company before the party," spaketh Malfoy, "hell if I'm going to hang around Malfoy Manor while my dad tried to recruit me."

"And why should we do that?"

"I know I may have been a dick in the past but my father is on the Hogwarts board of directors. If I put a toe out of line he would flay me alive. I may have held some questionable beliefs in the past but I hope we can move past that."

"And we are supposed to just forgive you?"

"No, but I hope we could be amicable on neutral ground."

"Sounds good to me!" Cried Hermione.

"Deal," asked Draco, holding out his hand.

"Deal," repeated Harry, shaking Draco's hand.

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Ginny finished applying her makeup and look over what she had accomplished. She was wearing her orange galoshes, green fishnets, cyan panties, plaid pleated skirt, cyan bra, grey shirt and orange dirigible plum earrings. She had applied blue lipstick, orange eyeliner, and red blush.

Having readied herself Ginny checked that everything was accounted for, her pygmy puff was in it's cage, the snoring device was running, she had stowed her mirror, it was time to go.

Ginny opened her window, stuck one leg out and with a smile fell out of her room.

CRACK went the bones of her legs as she landed on the ground. Groaning Ginny began to put her legs back into alignment. With a cast of her wand she clumsily mended the bones in her legs. Following this she scourgifyed the blood.

"Fishnets ruined again," Ginny whined. She got up and began to lopsidedly sprint off.


End file.
